Pitchers and Catchers

Baseball and Coffee

Last week’s blog was my most successful in terms of views, feedback, and responses. So I thank you all for that. It’s very heartwarming to feel supported by my community when I decide to get a bit vulnerable.

As my token of appreciation, I’m going to post an absurdly niche blog that very few people will enjoy. But it’s my blog and you gotta deal with that.

In honor of MLB pitchers and catchers reporting to camp next week, here is my list of coffee as baseball players:

Hot Cup of Diner Coffee

He’s your bulldog. He’s not going to play 162 for you, but every time you need him, he’s available and will show up with a consistent performance. He’s a 2-tool guy and those tools have nothing to do with batting or speed. He came up with the team, became a fan favorite, and now has bounced around the league. He’s been the exact same player he was as a rookie that he is now. Not much improvement, but a strong baseline and knows his role.

Player Comp: Austin Romine

Cappuccino

In Italy, cappuccinos are NOT ordered after 11am. It’s a morning drink – rather, a starter drink. You can probably recall 2-3 cappuccinos that are the best you’ve ever had. Most are pedestrian. There are a few real stinkers. It’s had a long career with a few all-star seasons, but a few seasons where you’re thinking “how is this guy still around?” Has pitched with success in both hot and cold climates. These drinks are best enjoyed with milk that are full-fat.

Player Comp: Lance Lynn

Flat White

Cappuccino, but thinner.

Player Comp: Chris Carpenter

Cold Brew:

The new kid on the block. He’s from a baseball family, as his father was iced coffee. Once it hit the menus, it took the league by storm. He’s flashy, bold, caffeinated, and full of energy. Had some controversy in the past (too much caffeine, too many PEDs, etc,). This player is a bona fide start and is here to stay. Definitely a warm weather player. Flashy as hell. My favorite player to watch.

Player Comp: Fernando Tatis Jr.

Latte

This drink is more popular with the ladies, but everyone can appreciate their greatness. They can be a bit much for the coffee and baseball purists. Café menus will tout this drink as the best thing on the menu. Mildly versatile and can play a few positions, but this drink is known for its fun flavors and pop. If it weren’t for a few limitations (amount of milk, defensive abilities, injuries), it would be in conversation for the best drink in the league year after year.

Player Comp: Bryce Harper

Espresso Martini

This player is ELECTRIFYING. He can come into a close game and put an exclamation point on the best game you’ve ever witnessed. He can also cause you to pull your hair out and give you the worst morning of your life. The highs are insanely high, and the lows are unspeakably low. Some front offices want to kick this player to the curb, but the fans love him. I struggled for a true player comp, but there’s a fictional character that fits perfectly.

Player Comp: Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn

Matcha

Hailing from Japan and taking the United States by storm. Came into the league late, but immediately won an MVP trophy. Scientific and meticulous in its craft, a truly one-of-one Hall of Fame player.

Player Comp: Ichiro

K-Cup

Another player who came in and set the league on fire. Some people thought he was sustainable as a primary option, but the quality just wasn’t there. Definitely had his moment and was a quick-burning star. A bunch of other brands have tried to restore his greatness. Has been accused by a lot of haters as being “lazy.”

Player Comp: Gary Sanchez

Pumpkin Spiced Latte

Practically non-existent during the entire season. Rides the pine. No one thinks twice about him. Shows up in October and the sales go NUCLEAR. World Series MVP.

Player Comp: David Freese

Espresso Tonic

I’ve always enjoyed this player, but he’s not too versatile. Shows up in big moments, but cannot play every day. Definitely flashy and can be the spark that makes a menu complete. You’ll go through phases where you think this is the best hitter in the league, and others where you cannot understand how you ever had a stomach for it. Had a few highlights during their career, but looks like its reign is coming to a close.

Player Comp: Joc Pederson

Espresso Shot

A singular shot. Does one thing well, and does it better than anyone else who has stepped foot on this planet. It helps you shake away the Sandman of morning fatigue. It can cut through any taste you have in your mouth. I hope you understand where I’m going here.

Player Comp: Mariano Rivera

Frappuccino

For a moment, this drink was a game-changer. Came to the MLB and set the league on fire. Was the most exciting player in the league. Fizzled out loudly and aggressively. Now, can be found in other leagues around the world.

Player Comp: Yoenis Cespedes

Decaf

This player very obviously did not take performance-enhancing drugs. They were boring, in a good way. They were perplexing. You have no idea how he stuck around for so long. Never the best pitcher in the league. Flexible to be a first cup of the day, but can serve as an after-dinner drink. Easy going and won’t rock the boat. A good teammate that wanted to stay out of the limelight.

Player Comp: Tim Wakefield

Hot Chocolate

This player is an absolute hit with the kids. Does a lot of charity work with children’s hospitals. A man of the people. Appreciated by fans of all ages. Sometimes, he’s exactly what a stale locker room needs. Always brings the vibes.

Player Comp: Anthony Rizzo

Pour Over

The scientist of the bunch. Cares so deeply about the tiny details. The truest item on every menu. Gives the menu rotation a sense of stability. You can try and replicate in the aggregate, but they’re a star and nothing else will do for a coffee purist.

Player Comp: Greg Maddux

Cortado

The next guy up. A superstar in the making. More approachable than a harsh espresso shot but less filling that a cappuccino. Still not widely known amongst coffee casuals, but they’ll know soon. This player just does everything extremely well. Once he exits the small market, he will be ubiquitous.

Player Comp: Bobby Witt Jr.

High Frequency Coffee

The best cold brew money can buy. No contest. Full-bodied. Flavorful. Thoughtful. Energetic. An absolute star. No close competition.

Player Comp: John Dowd (iykyk)